Saturday, April 07, 2007
tucker max is a douche.
so, i hung out with Tucker Max tonight.
i was pretty stoked the past few days for it. i idolize his books and writings, envy him for being intelligent and highly successful, and have been completely blown away by the heinous and ridiculous situations he's encountered... and honestly, he was nothing but a dude sporting some clown shoes (literally, he had these sandals on that were like flip flops, but with this weird toe thing on the front).
less than a week ago i did the standard email through his website, telling him to holla at me when he rolls through arizona, whenever that would be. sex obviously became a subject as well as where we would be drinking at (seriously, look at the two individuals we're talking about here). so we exchanged a few emails, and the next thing i know HE'S coming to tucson, arizona 4 days later. supposedly his buddy "Slingblade" from his book lives down here. who would have known?
anyway, i wasn't sure what i was expecting going into the situation with him. i was super nervous at first, knowing that i was going to be hanging out with someone that i've always wanted to hang out with. i wasn't sure if he was going to hit on me and try and get me to come home with him, just get drunk and have fun, hear some crazy stories on his crazy life, or him be a total fucking douchebag towards me.
the weird part is, i really didn't encounter any of these things.
around 10:00PM, Tucker calls me and he and his two friends, Slingblade and Bill Dawes (who is actually a pretty prominient comedian and actor out of NYC), picked me up from Kate's house. i encouraged them to go to the Meet Rack since it's the grimest, dirtiest bar there is. besides, i'm branded by the dude that owns the place. they ended up LOVING it, just as i knew they would. i was commended by them all, since Tucker was very reluctant at first because he had heard from a bartender at another bar that this area is where people get killed, and i was seemingly out to bury him in the desert somewhere. um, hello. i'm not a fucking idiot. if i'm going to take people out i'm going to make sure they enjoy it, which they did. i felt pretty proud knowing that i could impress a bunch of C-Class, 30 something year old actors and authors.
at first things were actually pretty cool. it was just me and his friends, talking shit about the cokewhore across the bar who was completely out of her mind and who had lost all reality about 20 years ago, and the black dude (who seemed to be her pimp) who had most likely killed someone over a rock of meth just two hours prior. the guys were funny. i could accept their humor and the fact that they were all totally fucking full of themselves. we stood there bullshitting and talking about 'oh remember this one time i did this', and hearing Tucker continue to be loud as hell and using phrases towards me like, "No, baby, you don't understand. Listen to me". it was such a joke. every time he would try and converse with me, or hit on me, or give me an assumption that i was going to go home and sleep with him (in which he 100% assumed that's why i decided to meet up with him, which isn't true at all. of course i thought about sleeping with him beforehand, why not? i'm always down for mine), i would just call him out on being a bullshitter. i think this made him mad... but truly, i was keeping it real with him. i treated him and his friends no differently than any three dudes i would have met at any bar.
after an hour, shit got lame. i'm not sure why. Tucker and i had this conversation about me and my future in college, me being an artist, going to school and all this other shit. trying to almost convince me of the fact that i was making wrong choices and all this bullshit. honestly, all i could do was laugh in his face for even attempting to take advice from him. i actually asked why i should take advice from him, from the dude who threw his entire career out the window and was just lucky enough to have fallen into the entertainment business over a total fluke. he had no rebuttal.
Then comes the Tucker Max jokes. i could handle them. they actually weren't that fucked up as i had thought they were going to be.
TM (cocked head and crooked smile): "If you went to ASU, and you know that it is the stupidest university in the united states, the why didn't you graduate?"
Me (raised eyebrows and sarcasm enhanced voice): "Because I'm better than that. It's called attending a private art school."
I'm pretty sure that was the clincher for why the night ended with him being a cunt.But seriously, is that the most insulting thing he could have said? It was the only fucked up thing that i heard come from his mouth in direction at me. i guess i was waiting for the whole 'Yeah, so you need to get a nice kick in the face to make your eyes a little closer together' or something like that.
regardless, he truly is an asshole. i knew it before i got into it with him. i knew from the start and my mentality was set up to be that i won't be giving into any of his crap. the only respect i had at one point was for the fact that he's semi-self made and semi-famous.
i'm truly disappointed though. honestly. it's like me meeting dave matthews and him being some lame ass loser. that was tucker max. honestly. do you know how difficult it is right now to not be kind of mad over the fact that this dude is NOTHING like what his persona is in his novel? yeah, he's a dick... but he's fake. he puts up the biggest front in his book and doesn't live up to it in person. in fact, he became very quiet and almost humbled for a good 15 minutes while we were at the bar... but that was while i was ignoring him.
the worst part of all of this is my wandering mind. is he really legit on his stories? are they all completely 'true'? that's his claim to fame everyone! that he experienced all this crazy shit and wrote it down in a book, claiming that it is all 100% legit! after hanging out with him i have came to the realization that he is a total bullshitter. having a few beers with him and his friends totally fucking blew it for me. it blew everything! it's so fucking dissappointing! i don't even have the desire to read his upcoming book or tune into this new show that he's supposedly doing on comedy central. i think people will slowly recognize how his stories are too good to be true.
what floors me is the fact that these dudes were all not even that attractive. honestly, i don't understand how they get laid. i would never in a million years be interested in them, or double take if i saw them out at a bar. they were all average looking dudes (granted Tucker was the best looking one) with standards that are set exceptionally high. they'll all be disappointed one day because of this. Tucker has a little bit of game that he tried working on me... but it was no use. at this point i really didn't care because beyond his blue eyes and fake smile, i knew it was just tricks.or it was probably because i got drunk earlier in the day, did a rail, drank some kava (kava is a natural plant root that you shake up with water. it tastes like Earth and you normally need a chaser, but the effects are very calming and numbing. it helps out with anxiety), and was in a more mellow and relaxed state of mind. meh. whatever. i have no regrets.
i'm not going to lie. as i said before, i was actually contemplating having sex with Tucker. this dude is easy as fuck, decent looking, and he's semi-famous, so why not? i figured it would be fun if it happened. you really can't go wrong with having a possibly fun lay. plain and simple. half way through our conversations i second guessed myself and realized that i really didn't want to sleep with him. i realized that i have been had by this dude, just like the rest of the 16-23 year olds out there that have yet to have a true encounter with Tucker, and have just reeled off of what his books say. judging by looks alone, he doesn't seem like he would be that good in bed, let alone be remotely worthy of having the Crystina Experience... and he had man boobs too. man boobs, people! besides, i couldn't stop looking at the weird shoes he was wearing. i couldn't imagine what a dude would be like in the sack if he was sporting a pair of these things when he goes out to pick up women.
(tip of the day: wear good shoes, guys. none of this fucking ugly, new age shit.)
all in all, it was fun. i'm glad i showed someone a good time, that's what i do. but due to their pure shallowness, i wasn't able to fufill their nightly goals.
i also believe i pissed him off because he was assuming i was some dumbshit whore that wanted to suck on his cock and i didn't give him the time of day with it. i guess because i'm a strong woman, he sensed that, and realized that i'm actually more than what he can handle, so therefore he and his friends bailed. i was a little disappointed at first, but then realized that it would be stupid of me to feel shitty.
honestly, he's only a 30 something year old, unemployed law grad who still sucks at dad's teet for money, throwing away all of his well spent education just so he can get drunk and hone women. sounds like a real winner, ladies!
okay, i should stop bashing. i still give him props. i'm still glad that i got to hangout with him. the first thing that came to my mind when i finished reading his book was that i was going to have a beer with this guy before i die. it was something i said i was going to do and i actually did it. the only downside to the situation was that i was completely unimpressed by who he was as a true individual.
i don't plan on reading his second book, unfortunatley.
but hey, Tucker, thanks for the pitcher of beer, since you claim to NEVER buy beer for females because they always buy your drinks. and hearing the story on how you vomited and pissed all over yourself in the drive thru of a jack in the box and then had the fat, ugly black chick (according to his friend Bill, and i'm not being racist) fuck you, not to mention after she had ate the 5 tacos, two sourdough jacks, and the curly fries.
10:00 PM - 10 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment
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Wait.. self-made? Did you really call him self made? If it weren't for Daddy Max, Tucker wouldn't have shit.
Tucker Max isn't attractive. He isn't all that witty. I'm sure he tells the same 15 stories over and over and over again to every god damned person he meets. He doesn't have any creative ideas - only shallow and meaningless conquests. The only real reason he gets laid is because the are some shallow bitches out there with horrible self esteems and no morals or standards.
Before he was famous, he got ass because he came from what he called "a prominent flordia family". Chicks would fuck him because his parents had cash. Then in college (which Papa Bear - again I'm sure pulled some strings and paid the way for) Well... there are some lame ass ho's in college that really just want to fuck anything and anyone... most of whom are totally nuts. Which is where he got stories. Now as he gets fatter and less interesting, the ass he gets is from his little book reading groupies.
GIRLS NOW ONLY WANT TO FUCK HIM BECAUSE HE'S SEMI-FAMOUS. They think that if they sleep with him, maybe they'll meet Dane Cook, or someone who's actually genuinely funny and creative and worth a shit.
Tucker Max is a waste of time.
And yes Crystina, he DOES have bitch tits, I agree.
Posted by Kate on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 10:48 AM
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Okay, caveat:
I will rephrase it in a nice way.
You seem like a nice girl. Very generous. Very sweet.
I promise you that you will not benefit in life by thinking that you're cool trying to fuck semi-famous people.
Posted by Bill Dawes on Monday, April 09, 2007 at 1:15 AM
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(thank you for the first comment that you left. very professional.)
in all honesty, my initial intentions WERE to try and fuck tucker just because he WAS in fact somewhat famous... but i realized as the night went on that i didn't care about that aspect anymore because he is a total bullshitter, a liar, unattractive, and even if i was setting out just to fuck him for his 'fame', his 15 minutes have already been up.
at least i gained partial wisdom. i am young and naive sometimes. i can accept that.
i think you were a very nice guy, the nicest of them all.
and in regards to my blog being 'stupid' (hence the first deleted comment), it's valid.
maybe it doesn't have every detail and it is completely one sided, but then again, look at tucker's fabricated book.
Posted by crystina ashley. on Monday, April 09, 2007 at 2:09 PM
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did you even notice his sandals? it was like jesus meets the year 2230.
if i were to have slept with him, i would have asked him if i could do a breast comparison and see if he needed to borrow my bra.
Posted by crystina ashley. on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 12:12 PM
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heh you know what? now i wanna read that guys book after your story. i won't buy it tho...library card! heh. This reminds me of the man who wrote that "Pieces" book who turned out to be a big liar and about 3/4 of it was pure smoke up the reader's ass. *shrug*
Posted by Film Femme on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 11:16 AM
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basically that's what he's done. i know he's exaggerated on many of his stories and i've already looked up other websites that are made just for proving him wrong. i do in fact believe that his stories are somewhat true, but i'm starting to get the feeling that he in fact has fabricated his stories so much that they are only 50% true.
www.tuckermaxdouchebag.blogspot
this is a good site for opposing ends.
Posted by crystina ashley. on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 12:08 PM
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the dude's name is Tucker Max, that should tell you enough right threre... that's a pretty douchebag name. LOL
and most douchebags have an image to maintian whether it's real or fabricated...
Posted by Black 1 on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 12:13 PM
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that fucking blows!!!!!
The crystina experience is soooo much more than a laame ass homo in sandals!!!
<333333
Shitty but at least u met the dude!
Ur now wiser for it
hahahah
<3333333
Posted by A U D I on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 12:41 PM
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dude for reals. i wish he would have been cooler. it makes me so sad.
Posted by crystina ashley. on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 4:56 PM
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i fucking love you.
you have no idea how much i adore & idolize you.
all those assholes out there, thinking all this shit.
but you, you are so real.
& you don't stand for it. god crystina. you are amazing & unique.
you are you. not fake & not anyone else.
it's rare nowadays. you really are a rare breed.
Posted by snarky steph™ on Sunday, April 08, 2007 at 4:04 PM
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